Instilling traits such as gratitude and resiliency is one of the best gifts parents can give, authors say.

Self-discipline. It's not a virtue that usually comes to mind at this time of year. From food and parties, to gifts and budgets, many of us struggle to keep ourselves under control.
The problem may be even worse for children, who sometimes act as if the hoopla and goodies are ""all about me.""
But Sam Goldstein and Robert Brooks, authors of the book Raising a Self-Disciplined Child: Help Your Child to Become More Responsible, Confident, and Resilient, believe the holiday season is an excellent time for children to work on their skills. After all, there are sure to be many teachable moments, as well as plenty of opportunities for families to grow closer.
Self-discipline ""is the key that unlocks a happy, successfully connected future for your child,"" said Goldstein, a Salt Lake City child psychologist, faculty member at the University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Institute and author of several books on parenting and ADHD, among other topics.
It also might be the secret to a more pleasant holiday season.
Goldstein and Brooks answered The Tribune's questions on navigating the holiday season with children. Here are their thoughts.
Q: How will greater self-discipline help a child and his or her family get through the holidays?
A: Children with good self-discipline are able to stop and think about their behavior before acting. During the holidays, this will help children make better choices about their behavior toward others. There are many occasions when self-discipline can turn a potentially negative situation into a positive one.
For example, a self-disciplined child won't try to take from his friend the toy he wanted but didn't receive. A self-disciplined child won't complain about the presents she didn't get, but instead will show gratitude for what she did receive. A child who is self-disciplined is less likely to have a meltdown during the commotion and stimulation overload of a family gathering, but instead will find activities that are less overwhelming.
Do the holidays provide a chance to learn greater self-discipline, or does everything fall apart this time of year?
Any time there is a lot of activity and stress, self-discipline is challenged. Yet it is during this time that self-discipline can be developed. This time of the year offers many opportunities for parents to not only model but also to teach self-discipline. Consider the following: * Remember that a major goal of discipline is to promote self-discipline and self-control. When a problem exists, discuss it with your child and together consider strategies for good solutions. If the situation concerns risks to safety or security, you must intervene immediately. Once the immediate danger is defused, sit down with your children, recap and explore ways of addressing the problem in the future.
* Always think prevention. If you don't have a regular time established each week to meet as a family and discuss positive as well as negative things occurring in the household, this is a good time to do so.
* It is important to work as a parental team. Parents should negotiate and compromise before addressing problems to present a united position to children.
* Positive feedback and encouragement are often the most powerful forms of discipline.
Be consistent but not rigid or inflexible. Serve as a calm, rational model. Select your battles carefully. Don't punish your children for not meeting unrealistic expectations.
How can we teach our children gratitude?
I am not sure gratitude can be taught, but it certainly can be modeled.
Is it realistic to think that children can learn the joy of giving, not just receiving?
Absolutely yes. Recent research has demonstrated that young children are all born with the drive to help others. In fact, research finds that adults who spend time helping others are not only happier but are physically and mentally healthier as well. While some children may take great pleasure in helping, others may not. This is not necessarily because they are selfish but because genetically we are all different.
However, biology is not one's destiny. Every child can learn the pleasures and joy of helping others, particularly during the Christmas holiday. One approach to this is to become a charitable family, not just during the holidays but all times of the year, picking charities to donate to and participate in.
Do you have a quick tip for making the holidays more pleasant for the entire family, not just for kids?
Use the holidays, time off work and time off school as a chance to be involved in family activities. The true gift of the holidays is the opportunity they afford parents to spend quality time with their children.
---- Tips for the holidays
Six ways to make the holidays more meaningful for families:
* Don't use gifts as bargaining chips. Children should learn that gifts are given to please others you care for, not as rewards for good behavior or restricted as punishment for being bad.
* Examine your motivation. Gifts never should be given in the hopes of winning a child's love or compensating for failure to spend time with children.
* Continue to look for ways to counter the increasing commercialism of Christmas. Use the season as a time to teach children that the holidays represent more than the presents advertised on television. The holidays are not ""all about me,"" but are a time to help others less fortunate.
* Don't take out loans to provide children with toys you can't afford. It is OK for children to be disappointed if they don't get the toys that they desire. What is important is that the insecurities that often accompany financial difficulties are countered by a celebration that reinforces the family's connections.
* Don't be afraid to fulfill your children's wishes if they are within reason and your means.
* Shop carefully for gifts that best match children's interests and intelligence level.
(Source: sltrib.com)